The Peer Pressure of Having a Gifted Child

(A candid shot of Brendan reading the Wall Street Journal at 4 years old.)


One of the hardest things to deal with when parenting gifted children is dealing with peer pressure. Let me be clear: not peer pressure from other children, but from the other adults in our lives.

A mother of a highly gifted child does not earn popularity points very easily. It's acceptable to brag about how cute or funny or even "naughty" your child is, but watch a group observe your child reaching a milestone when theirs hasn't yet, and support quickly dwindles. In gifted forums, there is frequent talk about how the word "gifted" is treated like a dirty word and will get you eye rolls faster than you can spit it out. (It's now suggested that we use the words "accelerated learner" to scare less people off, but the two terms are not synonymous.) Even in discussions with other gifted parents, letting on that your child is profoundly gifted (this means in the top 99.9% of the population, aka top 1 in a 1,000) will make you a target of intense scrutiny. Thus, any conversation that you get pulled into about your child's intelligence (usually brought up through someone else's observation) begins a tightrope walk of desperately trying not to sound like you're bragging, competing, or suggesting that your child is smarter than theirs.

Believe it or not, I am like most parents of highly gifted children in that we are absolutely NOT in competition with other children. We cherish and celebrate all of our friends regardless of where they fall on this spectrum. I also wish we knew other children like Brendan so he wouldn't feel so different (and to check that ego in case it overdevelops someday!). It doesn't matter when our friends reach their accomplishments, and likewise it should not make others competitive to learn when our child has reached his. If you know us personally and know that our child is gifted, I am certain that it is because you have observed him in action or are familiar with his accomplishments, not because we called you up and said "our child is SO smart....let me tell you how smart!" Gifted parents have a bad reputation as braggers, but it is one that is undeserved.

If admitting giftedness is taboo, why ever use that word, right? Unfortunately, there are many instances when you have to: when people loudly remark and make a bit of a scene after observing your child, when you're asking around for recommendations of books or educational materials several grade levels above your child's age, when you're fighting for their special needs in school (because they won't let your 4 year old into a pre-k class and because accelerating is not enough) or trying to get them into a more intense summer science camp (yet are told they have strict age cutoffs), etc., etc. When someone loudly exclaims: "How old is he?!?", sometimes it's just easier to respond to the raised eyebrows with a shoulder shrug and "he's profoundly gifted."

Even when you don't use the words, you'll still have the stigma and the constant worry of how you're being perceived. When your child hits a milestone but older family members aren't there yet, is it rude to let yours perform? Should we hide this away so the other kids don't feel bad? Should we wait until everyone else hits the milestone and then nod and smile that we can too, even if it's months or years later? What people don't realize is that one child's accomplishment has nothing at all to do with another child. We have family members who frequently respond to our sharing of milestones by immediately telling us what other (often older) relatives are doing, thereby watering down what has just been shared with them or "reminding us" that all of the children are equally special. (Trust me when I assure you that we KNOW all of the children are equally special and would never suggest one is better than another!!!) Since they don't seem to have as much interest, we tend not to share as much with them as we do with other family members who absolutely love the stories. Can't they see that we love and value all of the children without diminishing the moment when we are sharing THIS child's accomplishments?

I love both of my children equally, regardless of the fact that one talked earlier and the other one developed much faster gross motor skills. Yet I don't feel the need to talk about the first one while sharing a story about the second one's talent. Likewise, sharing a gifted child's achievement is NOT taking away from any other child. Nor is it bragging. It's simply enjoying where they're at.

If explaining "gifted" is taboo, then what is the proper response when people continually comment (and then go on and on) about how "smart" your child is? Should you humbly say thank you and give a little smile, quickly tell them theirs is equally smart, remind them that theirs does something else better than yours, ....?? The easy answer to "your child is so cute" is thank you. Yet when you get pulled into a conversation about your child's intelligence, trust me.... thank you alone doesn't usually end it (but is freely and genuinely given nonetheless). I've found that the politest thing to do is to immediately point out another child's talents, but I'm always searching for a better response. You still have to do the tightrope dance (again) of responding without putting the other person off with a perception that you're bragging, regardless of the fact that they initiated this discussion.

No matter what you do, you will lose some potential friends who cannot handle being around a child who reaches milestones before theirs. However, the good news is that when you find friends who celebrate your child's gifts with love, just as freely and uncompetitively as you support their children's, you will find the greatest friends in the world.

I share this with you because one of my hesitations in writing this blog is worrying about what other people will think. If you find yourself rolling your eyes or less than supportive about what we're sharing, please just don't read this blog. We don't need anyone's validation, but we ask for every reader's respect.